A little letter to me
12:24
Dear me at the beginning of 2017,
I don't like to spoil the story, but here are a few highlights, tough points, and things to cling to. (P.S. You survive)...
You’ll return to Exeter.
And start your MA.
Let’s gloss over the fact that you don’t have anywhere to
live in Exeter until 2 weeks before you start said MA.
You’ll get to know spareroom.com very, very well.
Some of your closest friends will start new and exciting
jobs, and you’ll be a very proud best friend.
You’ll drink your first ever Christmas coffee!
You’ll also order your first ever coffee.
Because liquid calories are okay…and we’re not there yet,
but maybe one day.
(Also, caffeine works wonders.)
Grandma and Grandad will buy you a lifetime’s supply of
coconut green tea.
And sugar-free polos will feature in abundance.
Evie’s going to start her law conversion, and you’re going
to lend her your suitcase to collect all her books!
You’ll leave the growing-up house and move to the new house.
You’ll have an endoscopy.
And briefly be diagnosed with coeliac…and then this will be
put to one side to be reviewed in a year or so…
Just as well, because peanut butter bagel thins are your
lifeline. Literally.
You’ll spend 2 months in hospital.
And you’ll promise to never watch the year’s first snow fall
from a hospital window ever again.
No dunking digestives.
And plenty of milky tea.
But you’ll meet the most wonderful people.
You’ll laugh a lot more than you can probably currently
imagine.
You’ll also cry a lot more.
You’ll get a bloody tattoo!! A TATTOO YAS!!!
And dad won’t lose his shit!
You’ll go to Dublin.
You’ll dye your hair.
And be considering another ear piercing…because it seems the
“wild phase” is ongoing.
You’ll celebrate Grandma’s 80th birthday.
You’ll find a new friend…you’ll spend too much time/money in
Coffee #1.
With
hindsight/wisdom/bravery you'll walk down that ward corridor a fair few times,
you'll sit round that table a fair few more.
Jake will go to uni!
(Jake will also get a tattoo…and you’ll have to break that
to mum and dad, whilst out of the country with them…)
You won’t eat any more branflakes. Or cornflakes.
You’ll buy some Dr Martens.
You’ll watch Evie graduate with the biggest smile ever.
Middle finger that – you proved them wrong.
Zara will be within walking distance again. Enough said.
You’ll be helpless.
But hopeful.
You’ll
spend many an hour a week in your GP’s office. She’ll be your lifeline and
you’ll owe her the world.
You’ll
salvage your sanity in the pages of colouring books.
You’ll learn to play Bananagrams.
And Obama Llama (you’ll be rubbish, but it’ll pass the
time).
(Note: apologies again, 2017 isn’t exactly the year you get
your life together either…)
You’ll eat Quorn.
That red velvet cookie, that Tuesday afternoon, on that ward
with those mugs will hurt, but it won’t kill you.
And you’re doing the right thing. Keep fighting.
Polo-necks will still feature heavily.
You’ll
continue to spend your student loan in coffee shops. And you’ll have no regrets
at that.
Some
goodbyes won’t be anticipated. They’re going to really hurt.
Don’t
lose sight of how much she wanted you better.
Tuesday
afternoon relaxation will be the one.
Taxi.
You’ll
be discharged from day patient and become an outpatient again.
You’ll
be re-referred. I’m sorry.
You’ll
write your first MA essay on Sex and the City.
You’ll
eat peanut butter ice cream. It’s damn good.
You’ll
buy some glittery espadrilles.
You’ll
be published on the Beat website.
And
The Mighty.
You’ll
read a fair few books.
Things
won’t always go to plan…and that’s going to be really shit.
But
you’ll smile as much as possible, and treasure what you can.
You’ll
be unsure what 2018 will bring.
And
right now, that’s pretty scary…
But
you will carry on carrying on, being brave, and believing in “one day”.
It won’t
necessarily be our finest year. For that I’m sorry, just sorry.
Maybe
2018 will be the year we break free and leaver anorexia firmly in the past…I
hope so. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired…still.
But we’ll
focus on the positives, because despite it all, there is laughter, and tea,
good people, and lifesavers, travel, and hope, and we’ll focus on the good bits…
And
the fact that, without doubt, your biggest accomplishment of 2017 is that you
survived to tell the tale. You made it. You’re still making it.
With
love, always,
Me, at
the end of 2017. xx
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